San Luis Obispo Times Atlantic Division, Mar-El-Lago, Florida In a kind of “wild card” move, our glorious president Donald J. Trump today announced an immediate invasion of the Seychelles, or “unprotected little lumps of sand in a big, big ocean.” as he put it. “That one came out of left field” said a retired military…

It’s so weird. I don’t remember signing a contract with “the government” that said I was a slave to a bunch of nameless bureaucrats who don’t have my best interest at heart. Do you remember signing said contract? So, I’m driving past the local DMV (demonic movement violators) the other day, listening to “Gimme Back…

We told you guys we could do it! Jackasses. Hi, the NBA and NFL here- We told you fucktards we could end racism! You didn’t think we could, but we did. Yeah, it was as easy as adding “End Racism” to the court behind the baskets. Told you dumbshit idiots that would work.. that would…

Dateline – The San Luis Obispo Times Florida Atlantic Research Institute Cultural Studies Division: 12:34 Atlantic Time: Agnes: Really? ‘Why you doin’ me like this?” Said newly formed Gulf-of Mexico Hurricane “Agnes” Said Hurricane Agnes! Nearly formed Super-Hurricane “Agnes” just Xed? “Break Out the walker, turn on Wheel of Fortune, and Hurricane Helene is here!”…

Dateline Central Santa Barbara County Solvang, CA – In what many are calling the”Dirties Danish infiltration of recent times” a very well funded and assimilated Danish sleeper cell has been exposed bringing in weapons from the Ukraine, but also slowly growing Danish “soft power and influence”, and normalizing all things “being Danish”. This group has…

From a warm, clear, inland bay, likely on the coast of western Florida, or maybe Cuba: “Hi, Manatee here.” You may have heard of my species – I am a Manatee, also known as a Sea Cow. Of course you have heard of me. Everybody loves a Manatee.” “Anyway, could you guys stop running over…

From the San Luis Obispo Times Field office: Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada “Nobody saw this one coming. I mean, generally you can make YouTube videos and your wolves don’t successfully eat your face off, then eat your entire general interstitial tract out, and it’s all live-streamed.. “said a lawyer representing the bereaved family for Reese…

Hey everybody- James here, the guy who did all the critically acclaimed commercials you have seen on TV either during Jeopardy, or if you’re in a lower socio-economic demographic: Wheel of Fortune. You know the commercials. I do the amazing theatrical productions ones your un-evolved Simian brains can’t look away from. You know the commercials-…

-Brussels, “Belgium” In very classic passive-aggressive European manner today, but slightly less inhibited than the United States- after doing several lines of “Primo Columbian Cocaine” off the lid of a toilet in the E.U. Parliament (Where more than 90% of toilets have cocaine on them according to studies for real, check it out). The E.U.…

H.R. department- American Steel and Metal Fabrication Company, Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania- “You get a lot of slack for being the Human Resources director around here, I’m just sayin’, I’m just saying.’” said HR department head Anthony Peligrino.” “American Steel and Metal Fabrication Company is always on the look out for the future of the workforce and…