A devious squirrel who former President Donald Trump called an: “Instigator, and a loser” had its neck snapped earlier today. The squirrel in question allegedly chewed into the cable connecting the teleprompter and his handlers’ speech feed and the sophisticated software package that tells him every single word he has to say during a rally…

Washington D.C.- Earlier Today From a lukewarm bathtub with all of the bubbles really thinning out- After bath time today, with “gross raisin-fingers” from being in the water too long- U.S. President Joe Biden was told “He Can’t Attack Iran and “for sure” start World War 3 Until He Finishes All Of His Vegetables.” “There…

From A Catacomb Below Sacramento- Sources deep below Sacramento have revealed that California Governor (D) Gavin Newsom has now transitioned “roughly 80%” into a Sanguine Vampire. “We are closely following his slow, but eventual transition from regular human into a full blown blood drinking creature of the night.” “He goes into the coffin earlier and…

Downtown San Francisco – A woman was recently seen emerging from deep inside a bush near Market and O’Farrell Streets in Downtown San Francisco with “flowers in her hair” according to a very terrified Japanese tourist Hashi Tirimoto. “She crazy lady, she just, uh, she just jumped out of the bush! What is happening in…

“So, you see the clear tearing around the edges here?, yeah, that means it was eaten by a dog.” Said government panel member Anthony Hillestrand. When you get those marks, and that tearing around the only physical copy- well in this case paper copy of some sort of evidence of a huge child-sex-trafficking ring, well,…

A new study- Released by MIT has come to a very shocking conclusion: “We’re all going to die!” The public is kind of upset about these findings. The data, collected very meticulously by a really good university (whatever that means, when we’re all going to die) comes to a very alarming conclusion: “We’re all going…

Trader Joe’s Headquarters – Monrovia, CA In a much anticipated move, recently the wildly popular grocery store chain “went a different direction” and announced a decision that surprised many of their die-hard customers. This Wednesday, a major change came out of the 4th floor of the quiet, unassuming business park building located in the Los…

-From Behind A Prius Doing 45 in a 60 MPH zone. A shocking new report conducted by “Car and Driver” Magazine, which came out after a groundbreaking lawsuit has been filed reveals that in fact the hugely popular fuel-sipping hybrid vehicle is capable of driving over 45 mph. Its maximum speed being “quite a bit…

From a Field Near San Miguel, CA – It really doesn’t get much better than this, does it? Mooed a cow in a field near San Miguel, CA. Wow, we have just got it so good here.” They say: “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”, “but let me tell…

From a Calm, Reed-Surrounded Pond Near Sacramento, California – In what many Ducks, Geese and other waterfowl are calling “a win” after the Foie Gras legislation passed by California governor Gavin Newsom regarding the force-feeding of their species’ to “make their livers taste really good” passed, many are saying “it didn’t go far enough” and…