San Luis Obispo Times Atlantic Division, Mar-El-Lago, Florida

In a kind of “wild card” move, our glorious president Donald J. Trump today announced an immediate invasion of the Seychelles, or “unprotected little lumps of sand in a big, big ocean.” as he put it.

“That one came out of left field” said a retired military guy who now freelances as an expert online.

The American attache to the Seychelles was immediately summoned to appear before the Seychellian Parliament initially after a fleet of approaching American frigates and shore landing boats were spotted behind a cloud of drones.

That was just moments before gunshots and explosions ran out in the capital Victoria earlier today and then all bloody hell broke loose.

The White House has claimed this is a “small, but essential necessary step to restoring security and prosperity to this backwards ass nation.”

“We’ve got to rebuild their core infrastructure and restore democracy, for the pride of all Seychellians, because that initial tomahawk missile barrage really messed some shit up.”

“This is like Grenada 2.0, but worse.” said a washed up retired military guy turned war analyst that uses a green screen that keeps flickering because the chroma key isn’t set right, and likes to show himself with the oval office in the White House as a background.

Representatives from the Seychelles were caught off guard, as they were going through a very important cultural cleansing ritual “only us on the island would understand” that involves an extract from the local mangrove roots “that you wouldn’t understand.”..

While the Seychellians had their fill of the root extract and were really getting in touch with god, that’s the time to swoop in.. Booya! United States is here bitches!

“We should have this Seychelles thing wrapped up nicely and profiting from their offshore deposits (that have been extremely poorly managed might I add) in time to finish clearing up the Straight of Hormuz thing Sleepy Joe did to us.”

After we get the Straight of Hormuz nice and opened up – not that it isn’t already, because it is open, but then after that we can unblock the straight of Bab-el-Mandeb after it will inevitably get blocked by the Houthis who happen to also be closely allied to Iran and also happen to be Shia and kind of got pissed we killed their religious leader.”

“Then, we blew up the council of elders as they convened to elect their next religious leader, so yeah, there’s that.”

So, as you see everything is going according to plan.” said the president.

Our San Luis Obispo Times reporter questioned the president whether “this particular course of action was the plan all along, or some sort of enormous fiasco that was practically impossible to get out of under any circumstances, and was completely avoidable the entire time?” the president quipped back:

“That’s a very stupid question, and you are a very stupid lady. You should be ashamed of yourself, I can’t believe you even call yourself a reporter and it is disgusting.”

He then walked toward the helicopter, and the hair in the back of his head kind of blew over the top of his head and he turned around and he walked back, and pointed his hand at our reporter and said: “I just want it on the record, those damn dirty fake news San Luis Obispo Times Reporters are the worst of the worst. Truly disgusting, you guys are fake news.”

When pressed whether the entire Seychelles invasion might just be a way to distract from the extremely low popularity in polls coming back regarding the war in Iran, the president responded:

“I don’t get why you guys are always bringing up Jefferey Epstein, that is a very sad thing to do and it’s a dirty lie, and you know it.”

“You should know better than that. I thought you were better than that, but you clearly aren’t. There’s nothing there. You’re a disgusting reporter.”

The Invasion of the Seychelles, will go down in a long line of unexpected moves by the aging president, who some have called “awesome”, while others have called a “King”, but we at The San Luis Obispo Times don’t believe in the two party system, we just believe in “The Potential of America”.

Editors Note: During our reporter questioning The President Of The United States, there was a lot of helicopter noise in the background. To be fair, he likely did not hear the question presented clearly so his answer was likely out of context.